S. L'Gree
2004-11-04 05:19:46 UTC
Homey's Guide to Voting
By Citizen X
It's that time of year again. As a leading Homey you see it
everywhere you go- the bumper stickers in the Food Lion parking lot, the
fliers at the Free Clinic; why, thanks to his caseworker, even the
neighborhood paraplegic has a Kerry/Edwards sticker on the back of his
Actualization Chair!
About the one thing you don't get are phone calls, since pollsters don't
usually contact cell phones and yours has been offline since April anyway.
(Besides, landlines are for Whitey.) But that's okay, because you get a
decent civics education just by watching the ads during TBS' primetime
lineup! For example, how else would you know:
· President Bush promised tax breaks for large corporations, but only
on the condition that they move their jobs overseas.
· Those skyscrapers never would've collapsed and 3,000 people would
still be alive if only President Bush hadn't spent seven minutes in a chair.
· Health care costs are rising, not because more people are stuffing
their face with junk food and getting no exercise, but because drug
companies want to pay their workers.
· The blind would see, the deaf would hear, and Old Man Winslow would
walk again if there were more embryonic stem cell research. That no firm in
the private sector takes such research seriously only shows how The Man
conspires to keep Homey down.
· Random purging of the voting rolls in 2000 caused
disenfranchisement in Florida, primarily of blacks. Since Florida's
population is primarily white, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris must've
conspired to break the laws of probability and statistics.
Since you're so informed, you should feel obligated to share your vast
knowledge with others, regardless of whether or not they recognize your
brilliance. By all means, talk it up on the street corner, in the grocery
line, and at work (yeah, right). Let your niggaz, ho'z, and total strangers
know where you stand, and where they should stand as well. It's the only way
they'll learn. Now, somewhere along the line, you may run into some uptight
mofo who thinks it's best to refrain from political outbursts in public,
especially when the nation is so divided. If you encounter one of these
freaks, feel free to bitch-slap them with the Furce Ammemment. After all, it
's your right!
Now, it's understandable that the old adage, "Vote early and
often," doesn't apply to real homeys. Doing anything before it's absolutely
necessary is a dire violation of Keepin' It Real. Since procrastination is
the hallmark of any true Homey, you'll have to compensate by just voting
often. This shouldn't be a problem, as Democrats have made asking for ID,
proof of citizenship, etc. all but a crime punishable by death. As long as
you put up enough of a fuss at the polling place, you should be able to
acquire a ballot in no time. It helps if the poll watchers are elderly white
women, but just about any old white person will do. If possible, arrange for
some of your larger friends to accompany you into the facility. They can be
counted on to punch walls, overturn tables, and generally make a ruckus
until Whitey gives up the goods. And as always, keep Jesse Jackson's number
on speed dial.
Okay, now that you've voted (at least once for each bastard child), it's
time for the celebratory election night meal. Since this night is so
special, Mickey D's or Kenny's Fried Chicken just won't cut it. You have to
make your democratic [sic] participation known to everyone! A good place to
get that upscale flavor without breaking the bank (i.e. yo baby-mama's bingo
money) is the local Chinese buffet. They usually have about five or six
Esses working off-the-books who are more than happy to cater to your every
whim. Since these waiters aren't official citizens (although you can bet
your crackpipe they're registered voters as well), you don't have to worry
about them starting any shit over your not giving them a tip. The last thing
these people want to do is draw attention to themselves.
Now, let's say that your day has been a complete success. You woke
up, got some stank on your hang-low while dat ho was still asleep, and had a
big breakfast of Choc-Puffs & Seagram's. You got your vote on multiple
times, and at multiple precincts. Some white cracker named Johnny tried to
question your legitimacy, but you let him have it with your patented PO'ed
Homey Glare and he let it slide. Now you're wolfing down your third helping
of fried rice and watching the returns come in on the TV in the corner. The
results for your state are being projected, and- lo and behold- Bush carries
it by a comfortable margin.
This just cannot be! You know in your heart of hearts that Kerry
is the rightful winner in your state. All the votes weren't counted! The
ballots were culturally biased! Scores of Homies were kept from voting
by.um..roadblocks! Yes, that's the ticket. Even though your average Homey
can't be deterred by barred windows and alarm systems, a little wooden prop
in the sidewalk is a veritable force field preventing any possible passage
of human flesh.
At this juncture, you need to contact your local media suckerfish
and put forth all of these canards, as hysterically and convincingly as you
can. With luck, local Homies will follow in suit and you'll soon draw
national attention. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, and Queasy
Mfume will all make pilgrimages to your state and protest on your behalf.
You might even get to force a statewide recall, thus ensuring that the
nation stays on tenterhooks in the event of a close electoral race. So what
if Whitey is inconvenienced for a few days while the original result is
verified?
In the end, when all the votes have been counted every which way
but loose, and Bush is still the clear victor, you can start preparing to
challenge the official certification of the electors' meeting in January. As
always, the general rules of Keepin' It Real apply: dress like a flood
victim, use words that don't exist, and make allusions to historical events
that have absolutely no relevance to the matter at hand. If you get
extraordinarily lucky, Michael Moore might interview you for his next film.
Just imagine how much trim that'll get you!
http://moynihaninstitute.org/
By Citizen X
It's that time of year again. As a leading Homey you see it
everywhere you go- the bumper stickers in the Food Lion parking lot, the
fliers at the Free Clinic; why, thanks to his caseworker, even the
neighborhood paraplegic has a Kerry/Edwards sticker on the back of his
Actualization Chair!
About the one thing you don't get are phone calls, since pollsters don't
usually contact cell phones and yours has been offline since April anyway.
(Besides, landlines are for Whitey.) But that's okay, because you get a
decent civics education just by watching the ads during TBS' primetime
lineup! For example, how else would you know:
· President Bush promised tax breaks for large corporations, but only
on the condition that they move their jobs overseas.
· Those skyscrapers never would've collapsed and 3,000 people would
still be alive if only President Bush hadn't spent seven minutes in a chair.
· Health care costs are rising, not because more people are stuffing
their face with junk food and getting no exercise, but because drug
companies want to pay their workers.
· The blind would see, the deaf would hear, and Old Man Winslow would
walk again if there were more embryonic stem cell research. That no firm in
the private sector takes such research seriously only shows how The Man
conspires to keep Homey down.
· Random purging of the voting rolls in 2000 caused
disenfranchisement in Florida, primarily of blacks. Since Florida's
population is primarily white, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris must've
conspired to break the laws of probability and statistics.
Since you're so informed, you should feel obligated to share your vast
knowledge with others, regardless of whether or not they recognize your
brilliance. By all means, talk it up on the street corner, in the grocery
line, and at work (yeah, right). Let your niggaz, ho'z, and total strangers
know where you stand, and where they should stand as well. It's the only way
they'll learn. Now, somewhere along the line, you may run into some uptight
mofo who thinks it's best to refrain from political outbursts in public,
especially when the nation is so divided. If you encounter one of these
freaks, feel free to bitch-slap them with the Furce Ammemment. After all, it
's your right!
Now, it's understandable that the old adage, "Vote early and
often," doesn't apply to real homeys. Doing anything before it's absolutely
necessary is a dire violation of Keepin' It Real. Since procrastination is
the hallmark of any true Homey, you'll have to compensate by just voting
often. This shouldn't be a problem, as Democrats have made asking for ID,
proof of citizenship, etc. all but a crime punishable by death. As long as
you put up enough of a fuss at the polling place, you should be able to
acquire a ballot in no time. It helps if the poll watchers are elderly white
women, but just about any old white person will do. If possible, arrange for
some of your larger friends to accompany you into the facility. They can be
counted on to punch walls, overturn tables, and generally make a ruckus
until Whitey gives up the goods. And as always, keep Jesse Jackson's number
on speed dial.
Okay, now that you've voted (at least once for each bastard child), it's
time for the celebratory election night meal. Since this night is so
special, Mickey D's or Kenny's Fried Chicken just won't cut it. You have to
make your democratic [sic] participation known to everyone! A good place to
get that upscale flavor without breaking the bank (i.e. yo baby-mama's bingo
money) is the local Chinese buffet. They usually have about five or six
Esses working off-the-books who are more than happy to cater to your every
whim. Since these waiters aren't official citizens (although you can bet
your crackpipe they're registered voters as well), you don't have to worry
about them starting any shit over your not giving them a tip. The last thing
these people want to do is draw attention to themselves.
Now, let's say that your day has been a complete success. You woke
up, got some stank on your hang-low while dat ho was still asleep, and had a
big breakfast of Choc-Puffs & Seagram's. You got your vote on multiple
times, and at multiple precincts. Some white cracker named Johnny tried to
question your legitimacy, but you let him have it with your patented PO'ed
Homey Glare and he let it slide. Now you're wolfing down your third helping
of fried rice and watching the returns come in on the TV in the corner. The
results for your state are being projected, and- lo and behold- Bush carries
it by a comfortable margin.
This just cannot be! You know in your heart of hearts that Kerry
is the rightful winner in your state. All the votes weren't counted! The
ballots were culturally biased! Scores of Homies were kept from voting
by.um..roadblocks! Yes, that's the ticket. Even though your average Homey
can't be deterred by barred windows and alarm systems, a little wooden prop
in the sidewalk is a veritable force field preventing any possible passage
of human flesh.
At this juncture, you need to contact your local media suckerfish
and put forth all of these canards, as hysterically and convincingly as you
can. With luck, local Homies will follow in suit and you'll soon draw
national attention. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Maxine Waters, and Queasy
Mfume will all make pilgrimages to your state and protest on your behalf.
You might even get to force a statewide recall, thus ensuring that the
nation stays on tenterhooks in the event of a close electoral race. So what
if Whitey is inconvenienced for a few days while the original result is
verified?
In the end, when all the votes have been counted every which way
but loose, and Bush is still the clear victor, you can start preparing to
challenge the official certification of the electors' meeting in January. As
always, the general rules of Keepin' It Real apply: dress like a flood
victim, use words that don't exist, and make allusions to historical events
that have absolutely no relevance to the matter at hand. If you get
extraordinarily lucky, Michael Moore might interview you for his next film.
Just imagine how much trim that'll get you!
http://moynihaninstitute.org/