S. L'Gree
2004-07-21 00:50:26 UTC
New York - festering manure pile temporarily saved from collapse by a
GOP mayor. Has its own income tax, apparently to fund massive public
filth program. Residents are arrogant twits - and what exactly they're
arrogant about, one can only guess - living in 600 square foot,
$400,000 roach-infested row-homes. Vaunted "Silicon Alley" still
trying to get 28.8 modems.
Chicago - Calcutta of the Arctic, run by inbred mobsters. Former hog
butcher to the world, but apparently the pigs got the upper hand.
Still trying to figure out the mystery of pavement. Akron on steroids.
Los Angeles - Slow motion riot by a clueless pack of
3 million semi-literates. Sort of like Rwanda, if Rwanda had freeways
and inferior schools. The only place on earth where Courtney Love can
find employment and OJ Simpson can find an acquittal.
Miami - Provisional capital of Guatemala. Major industries include
contraband, Social Security fraud and killing Swedish tourists. Air is
98% humidity, 2% airborne venereal disease. Elephant graveyard for
whiney, track-suited Jewish octogenarians from New York.
Philadelphia - Combines the quaint charm of East St. Louis with the
vibrant culture of Youngstown, Ohio. Works hard to earn its reputation
as 'Gateway to Camden.' Not surprisingly, most of its sentient
residents escaped years ago.
Detroit - A gigantic squalid amusement
park for arsonist, resembling a neutron bomb test site; Hiroshima 1945
meets Luanda, Uganda. Used to make automobiles, but now has to import
crack vials. Hell is preferable, since hell doesn't have lake-effect
snow.
Seattle - Dank, suicidal outpost, whose grungy residents spend more on
a cup of coffee than they do on annual personal hygiene. Attractions
include the Space Needle - a 600 foot tall monument to heroin
addiction - and Pike St. Market, a giant celebration of fish rot.
Boeing and Microsoft keep a safe distance owing to cooties.
Boston - home to over 60 colleges and nearly 100 mentally
competent residents. First settled by Puritans, then by Irish
immigrants too drunk, stupid and lazy to move west. Home of the "Big
Dig," a perpetual uncontrolled tire fire of $50 bills.
San Francisco - Earthquake-prone R&D lab for the perversion industry.
Half of San Franciscans are employed in software and the other half in
hospital emergency rooms, where they dislodge foreign objects. Mayoral
elections prove that the hippies did get at the water supply.
Washington DC - Port-Au-Prince on the Potomac. L'Enfant had the foresight to
plan radial streets to aid rapid, ongoing evacuation. Unique among the
capital cities of western Democracies, in that a good cockfight can always
be found.
GOP mayor. Has its own income tax, apparently to fund massive public
filth program. Residents are arrogant twits - and what exactly they're
arrogant about, one can only guess - living in 600 square foot,
$400,000 roach-infested row-homes. Vaunted "Silicon Alley" still
trying to get 28.8 modems.
Chicago - Calcutta of the Arctic, run by inbred mobsters. Former hog
butcher to the world, but apparently the pigs got the upper hand.
Still trying to figure out the mystery of pavement. Akron on steroids.
Los Angeles - Slow motion riot by a clueless pack of
3 million semi-literates. Sort of like Rwanda, if Rwanda had freeways
and inferior schools. The only place on earth where Courtney Love can
find employment and OJ Simpson can find an acquittal.
Miami - Provisional capital of Guatemala. Major industries include
contraband, Social Security fraud and killing Swedish tourists. Air is
98% humidity, 2% airborne venereal disease. Elephant graveyard for
whiney, track-suited Jewish octogenarians from New York.
Philadelphia - Combines the quaint charm of East St. Louis with the
vibrant culture of Youngstown, Ohio. Works hard to earn its reputation
as 'Gateway to Camden.' Not surprisingly, most of its sentient
residents escaped years ago.
Detroit - A gigantic squalid amusement
park for arsonist, resembling a neutron bomb test site; Hiroshima 1945
meets Luanda, Uganda. Used to make automobiles, but now has to import
crack vials. Hell is preferable, since hell doesn't have lake-effect
snow.
Seattle - Dank, suicidal outpost, whose grungy residents spend more on
a cup of coffee than they do on annual personal hygiene. Attractions
include the Space Needle - a 600 foot tall monument to heroin
addiction - and Pike St. Market, a giant celebration of fish rot.
Boeing and Microsoft keep a safe distance owing to cooties.
Boston - home to over 60 colleges and nearly 100 mentally
competent residents. First settled by Puritans, then by Irish
immigrants too drunk, stupid and lazy to move west. Home of the "Big
Dig," a perpetual uncontrolled tire fire of $50 bills.
San Francisco - Earthquake-prone R&D lab for the perversion industry.
Half of San Franciscans are employed in software and the other half in
hospital emergency rooms, where they dislodge foreign objects. Mayoral
elections prove that the hippies did get at the water supply.
Washington DC - Port-Au-Prince on the Potomac. L'Enfant had the foresight to
plan radial streets to aid rapid, ongoing evacuation. Unique among the
capital cities of western Democracies, in that a good cockfight can always
be found.